October 1, 2019- I Got Issues

          First off even though I do not expect anyone to read this, I'm Alyssa and I'm eighteen years old. I was born six weeks early and was a troublesome pregnancy for my mother who was twenty-six at the time. My mother was working at Safe Way in Half Moon Bay, California at the time and thought that she was just getting fat. She had always been an athlete so the first thing to come to mind was to work off this stress weight. Turns out she was pregnant. Four months into her pregnancy with me she began feeling a pain in her abdomen and realized something was wrong and went to the hospital. My mom was in labor with me at four months and the doctors decided to keep her on bed rest and in the hospital for almost the rest of the pregnancy along with a plethora of medications. At seven months she was able to leave bed rest to go get married to my father at Harvey's casino in Lake Tahoe. This would later turn out to be a horrible decision but that's another topic for another day. Anyway, not even a month later she was in labor again and this time they decided that I would be alright coming out a little uncooked. I came out not crying and barely breathing, they thought for sure that I was a still born child and lifted me upside down and started to "hit" me to make me cry, which worked. I weighed just about six pounds and would later on have a multitude of health issues growing up.
        As I was growing up into a monster of a toddler my mother noticed something about me that was not normal. I was starting puberty way too early at the age of one. Later on my mom would tell me that when I was still a newborn that she knew something was a little off because I was starting to grow hair in a place that I wasn't supposed to be if you know what I mean. At this time in my life my family had moved up from the small coastal town of Half Moon Bay into a town nestled in the mountains of Grass Valley. There I was taken to a pediatrician where she immediately noticed my "problem area" and demanded that I get blood work done to see what the hell was going on. Later that week I was diagnosed with a Hormone Disorder which meant I would be forever behind my hormones and bone growth until I caught up with the age of my body. So I was sent to a specialist in Sacramento and there my journey really began.
        My earliest memory of this part of my life was in third grade. At this point of my life my parents had divorced and I was not living with my mom and step dad in Antelope, California. I had to go to the specialist in Sacramento every two weeks for blood work and x-rays to see where my bone growth was and hormone levels. I remember sitting on the bed in the doctors office while my doctor told my mom how at eight years old I had the body of a ten year old. Two years doesn't seem like a lot but a lot happens in those two years physically. I was always the tallest in my class all the way through ninth grade and I always weighed more than my friends which lead to a lot of insecurities. For example, I remember one morning in third grade I was eating breakfast in the cafeteria with my friends and they were discussing their weights when I boldly stated that I was 88 pounds. The table froze and everyone stared at me in shock. That was also the year I had to start wearing bras. I tend to look back to these days in the moments when I'm about to sleep and my conscious wants to remind me that to me, emotionally I feel like I had a terrible childhood where contrarily I know that I had an amazing childhood deep down.
          In fourth grade while at my pediatricians doctors office I was told that I should start my period any day now and the same thing was said to my mother and I at my specialists appointment. At that same appointment with my specialist he told my mother that if I did indeed get my period I would have to come in every week for two shots to slow my hormones down since my bones where growing like crazy anyway. Thank god I never got my period because that was the last doctors appointment I ever had with him. I still however still go see the same pediatrician because she is refusing to give me to another doctor and went through six months of paper work to make me be able to still come see her, it's embarrassing.
         A few years later in sixth grade my friends started to get their periods and I still hadn't gotten mine and my doctor thought that was a little strange since my condition but she wasn't going to worry about it yet. I did in fact start my period in November of my seventh grade year. It was irregular that first time and only lasted a day but that's normal for newbies. That was the last period I got for six months, which was still normal. However this trend continued into my later teenage years and the period where getting farther and farther out. I would have the cramps and the PMS symptoms but would never get the period so at sixteen I got sick of this and went to the doctor. There I asked to be put on birth control so I could have a period like everyone else which my doctor agreed with and she also made me have some blood work to make sure I didn't have anything else such as a thyroid problem which all came back negative. After a year of this, I became extremely depressed and developed suicidal thoughts. It got to the point where I made a plan of how I was going to do it and when I was going to do it. After thinking that I was scared and told my mom. It was like there was another person controlling my body and I was tied up in the back being able to just watch. I threw my birth control away and was told to go to therapy to see if that helped. Now I'm not a person to talk about my feeling so after the first visit I dipped and never came back. After a couple of months and tons of check ups I was back to normal but like before wasn't having a period.
        After seven months of not having my period I went back to the doctor where she performed a routine physical and blood work. All came back negative except she found a swollen ulcer in my vaginal canal that she was concerned with. After swabbing it and testing it for STD's which I thought was ridiculous because I've never had a boyfriend let alone let anyone touch me, it came back negative. Here she traded me off with a gynecologist, which I love, she's so nice and makes sure you're comfortable. Here she took a look under the hood and found that it was just a extra piece of skin and she also found out that I have a disorder which makes my brain believe that everything that touches my vaginal canal is painful and tenses up, yay me. She then put me on a medication that she claimed would help my nerves but I don't know if it ever worked because in a couple of months I got off of it. She also said that if worse comes to worse when it was time for me to be "doing the deed" I would have to put numbing cream up in there that she could prescribe to me.
      After a couple of months of taking that medication I went back to my pediatrician for severe anxiety which runs on both sides of my family. It got the point where I would get sever anxiety attacks just thinking about eating dinner and don't even get me started on driving. Long story short I never left the house and just slept all day. I was prescribed anti-depressants which worked amazing but I was told I was going to have to get off the medication my gynecologist prescribed to me.
     Up until last December I was fine because when I went to my gynecologist appointment she asked when my last period was. I then replied it was the last one my birth control made me have which was almost a year ago. Knowing that that is not okay for a 17 year old almost 18 I was then made to get blood work and was prescribed a pill that I would have to take the first ten days of the month to have a period. On my blood work they found nothing except a high dosage of testosterone and she asked me if I'm excessively hairy which I replied I've always been really hairy which she laughed off. Anyway those pills only worked once so after to refills I stopped taking them. Five months later when my gynecologist asked when my last period I told her the story which then she took a second to think long and hard about what I might have. After asking me a series of questions I was diagnosed with Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome. She told me she would give me the 10 day pills just to try one more time and a birth control made for people like me. After the 10 days on that Sunday I was to start my birth control even if I didn't start my period. Which surprise I didn't start.
     So now we are up to date. I'm on month three of my birth control and I haven't had suicidal thoughts and over all I feel good. I still have a lot of insecurities about myself but that is partly why I want to write these. Kind of like a online diary for me.